Stupid Quotes

famous quotations that I love:
my collection of stupid quotes... vol. 1



"In every country the Communists have taken over, the first thing they do is outlaw cockfighting."
- John Monks, Oklahoma state representative, arguing against
a bill that would make cockfighting illegal in the state



"That was consciously ambiguous in the sense that any terrorist
government or terrorist movement that is contemplating such actions
I think knows clearly what we are speaking of."
- Alexander Haig, then Secretary of State, when asked by a
reporter to make a statement clearer



"There are guys that can talk like Nixon and sound like him,
and I don't even believe the tapes are authentic."
- Earl F. Landgrebe, former Indiana representative,
discussing why it may not have been Nixon's voice
on the Nixon tapes



"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twleve
honest men and give it to 435 Congressman!"
- Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard
that the indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his
corruption case tried by the House instead of in a
regular court



"Our first move will be to decide what our first move will be."
- Wellington Mara, New York Giants president, explaining
what they intended to do after firing the head coach and
accepting the resignation of the director of operations



"Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating."
- Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster, during on-air
game coverage



"This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative."
- Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon



"I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first."
- George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back



"On behalf of all of you, I want to express my appreciation for this tremendously warm recession."
- Ron Brown, Democratic National Committee chairman, at
the 1992 Democratic Convention



"I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised."
- letter from Marion Barry Jr., mayor of Washington, D.C.



"Here lies Captain Ernest Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his
orderly, March 2nd 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant."
- grave inscription of British soldier, in northwest
frontier of modern-day Pakistan



"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This
monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory
and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."
- epitaph composed by a marble cutter



"The thing that's kept Jeff around is his longevity."
- Don Smith, defensive end with the Atlanta Falcons,
on his long-playing teammate Jeff Yates



"It is what we must all come to if we only live long enough."
- reported by David Garrick, eighteenth-century English
actor, manager, and dramatist



"If we didn't have bonuses, we wouldn't have had anybody working for us."
- Drexel Burnham Lambert spokesperson, explaining why the
company gave over $195 million in bonuses just before it
filed for bankruptcy



"The only thing I regret is that your stay is not shorter."
- Lord Aberdeen, trying to make a good impression while being
visited by the colonial Premier to Ireland in the autumn
of 1911



"Information is voluntary. Failure to provide information could
subject individual to be called on extended active duty when
member might be eligible for assignment to Standby Reserve..."
- Privacy Act Statement, U.S. Air Force Reserve, mid-1970's


"The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say
there is something going on."
- Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon,
on a rumor that allied forces were attacking across the
Laotian border


"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, Los Angeles Laker's player


"Sure I've got one. It's a perfect twenty-twenty."
- Duane Thomas, Dallas Cowboys halfback, answering a question on
whether he has an IQ



"Does the published book contain the unpublished part?"
- James H. Campbell, King's Counsel, to a witness in
Britain's Times Book Club case in the early 1900's



"You can't do it that way. You spoil the anticlimax."
- Michael Curtiz, flm director, to a writer rewriting
a scene


"Half the lies the opponents tell about us are not true."
- Sir Boyle Roche, eighteenth-century Prime Minister
from Tralee and famed word mangler


"I really didn't say everything I said."
- Yogi Berra, in The Sporting News, discussing the
sayings he has become famous for



"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."
- Nancy Reagan, former First Lady, when asked a political
question while at a "Just Say No" rally



"Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
- accused thief who undertook his own defense at his trial,
to his alleged victim, as reported in the National Review


"As the Reagan presidency ends, it is time for the Bush pregnancy to begin."
- Tommy Thompson, Wisconsin governor, anticipating George
H. Bush's inauguration


"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking forward
to a happy and wonderful night -- uh, life."
- Ted Kennedy, Massachusetts senator, to the South Shore
Chamber of Commerce about his then fiancee, Victoria Reggie


"If there's a pileup, they'll have to give some of the players artificial insemination."
- Curt Gowdy, television announcer, during an AFL all-star
game marked by heavy rains that flooded the field



"I'm the football coach around here and don't you remember it."
- ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson



"This unit had as estimated strength of about 2,000 men, of which 300 were women."
- from a military intelligence document during the Vietnam
War, quoted by former army intelligence officer Bruce E.
Jones



"Wait a minute! I'm not interested in agriculture. I want the
military stuff."
- Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing
in which army officials began telling him about missile
silos



"We've all passed a lot of water since then."
- attributed to an old Hollywood producer, remimiscing
about one of his first films



"I can not tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House of Representatives



"To hell with the public! I'm here to represent the people!"
- New Jersey state senator


"They were singing without accompaniment. You know -- acapulco."
- director Gregory Ratoff, telling of hearing a singing
group


"Warning: Never use while sleeping."
- warning with hair dryer, cited in US News & World
Report


"I move, Mr. Chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined
ten days before every fire."
- city councilman during debate



"The similarities between me and my father are different."
- Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son



"They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe."
- Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer



"It [unemployment insurance] provides prepaid vacations for
a segment of our country which has made it a way of life."
- President Ronald Reagan


"I am philisophically opposed to any fare increase. That does
not mean I will not support one."
-Joseph Alexander, Fairfax County (Virginia) supervisor



Nassau County NYNEX Telephone Directory (1991) Listing:
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION: (718) 459-3140
If No Answer Call: (718) 459-3140


"We offer the party as a big tent. How we do that within
the platform, the preamble to the platform, or whatnot,
that remains to be seen. But that message will have to be
articulated with great clarity."
- Former Vice President Dan Quayle


"There's a hard shot to LeMaster ... and he throws Madlock
into the dugout."
- Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer


"Now ride off in all directions."
- Michael Curtiz, directing Gary Cooper on a horse


"This is not a conventional war. We have to forget propriety."
- Colonel Robert A. Koob, tentative head of jury in the
Sergeant Charles E. Hutto case. Hutto was accused of
assault in the My Lai massacre during the Vietnam War


"The infiltration group was composed of 1/3 males, 1/3 females,
and 1/3 party officials."
- from a military intelligence document during the
Vietnam War, quoted by former army intelligence officer
Bruce E. Jones


"That's part of American greatness, is discrimination. Yes, sir.
Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives man opportunity."
- Lester Maddox, ex-governor of Georgia


"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They
don't realize that most of us only make $500,000."
- Texas Ranger baseball player Pete Incaviglia


"The management of information requires organizing and
structuring data into conceptually clear and logical component
ideas that can be transmitted in forms that are user-friendly."
- from a New York Board of Education memo


"All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they
took that and blew it all out of proportion."
- Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on
press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers
for trading top players


"It would be a good thing to take your bankbook to the fallout
shelter with you."
- Federal Reserve System suggestion


"Hijackers should be given a rapid trial...with due process of
law at the airport, then hanged."
- Edward Davis, police chief of Los Angeles in 1973


"Since the Governor has let the cat out of the bag there is
nothing left to do but take the bull by the horns."
- Jeremiah MacVeagh, Member of Parliament


"I smell a rat, I see him floating in the air, but mark me, I
shall nip him in the bud."
- Sir Boyle Roche, eighteenth-century Member of Parliament
from Tralee and famous word mangler


"Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy Birthday!"
- Ralph Kinear, announcer for the New York Mets


"Would the fans along the outfield please remove their clothes?"
- Tex Richards, public address announcer at Ebbets Field,
Brooklyn, NY after fans had used the top of the outfield
fence for their coats


"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President
Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some
sex ... uh ... setbacks."
- Former President George Bush


"I can't think of any new existing law that's in force that
wasn't before."
- Former President George Bush, discussing import laws


"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert
Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your
lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife."
- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to Gulf War
troops


"Everyone wants to jump into my throat!"
- Michael Curtiz, Hollywood director, complaining to
his assistant

"What he does on his own time is up to him."
- Harlon Copeland, sheriff of Bexar County, Texas,
when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself
to a child


"Well, David, did you do any fornicating this weekend?"
- Richard Nixon to David Frost before an interview


"The safe times [for sex] are the week before and the week of
ovulation."
- Dr. Ruth Westheimer in 'First Love: A Young People's
Guide to Sexual Information'. The typo ("safe" for
"unsafe") resulted in a huge book recall and the
issuance of a new, corrected edition.


"I've been laid up with the intentional flu."
- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn


"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?"
- Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul Minnesota

"Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?"
- CIA memo, introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS
libel suit

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad


"Correctly English in 100 Days"
- title from an East Asian book for beginning English
speakers


"The lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass -- and I'm just the one to do it."
- a congressional candidate in Texas



"If I entered into an agreement with that man, I would be
sticking my head in a moose."
- attributed to movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn


"[The exports include] thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine
items for the police."
- Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation
allowing the export of various products abroad


"That's the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of."
- Senator Joseph McCarthy, talking about a witness's
testimony


"Culture is necessary, but it must be alive and not too much of it."
- Virginio Gayda, official in Fascist Italy


"You can't just let nature run wild."
- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
- Yogi Berra

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."
- Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a
brawl during the NHL's Stanley Cup playoffs


"You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air support."
- U.S. Air Force Colonel David Opfer, air attaché in
Cambodia, complaining to reporters about their coverage
of the Vietnam War


"Sure it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane


"Once they were men. Now they are land crabs."
- dialogue from Attack of the Crab Monsters


"There has been no exclusion. We have simply excluded all the women."
- Nicolas Romanoff, descendent of last Czar of Russia
Nicholas II, explaining why no women were invited to
a meeting to form a family foundation


"If I wasn't talking, I would not know what to say."
- Chico Resch, New York Islanders goaltender



"If I told you the truth, I'd be a hypocrite."
- Michael Curtiz, Hollywood director, when askedhis opinion of a producer


"You are partly one hundred percent right."
- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn


"You should hear her sing. She's a female Lena Horne."
- producer Joe Pasternak


"It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
- Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling
champion, on what it takes to be a champ


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward


John Sununa (then governor of New Hampshire): You're telling
us that the reason things are so bad is that they are so
good, and they will get better as soon as they get worse?"
James A. Baker (then Secretary of the Treasury): "You got it."


"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are
not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
- instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland


"When an Englishman wants to get married, to whom does he go?
To the clergy. When he wants to get his child baptised, to
whom does he go? To the clergy. When he wants to get buried,
to whom does he go?"
- Prime Minister William E. Gladstone, in a speechextolling the clergy


"There are always going to be people who want to be President,
and some days I'd like to give it to them."
- President Bill Clinton


"As I say, if we score more goals than them, then we'll win."
- Kenny Dalgleish, U.K. soccer player


"If we hadn't given them those first four touchdowns, it might have been different."
- Hokes Bluff (Alabama) high school football coach
H.K. "Cootie" Reeves, after his team lost 53-0
in the state Double A title game


"I'm a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy, and so is my wife."
- Mike Greenwell, Boston Red Sox outfielder


"I couldn't care less about all those fiction stories about
what happened in the year 1500 or 1600. Half of them aren't even true."

- John Daly, pro golfer, explaining why he wasn't
interested in literature as a college student